In the video above Sybersue discusses life after a Divorce
So many men and women have a hard time getting back out dating after a long term relationship breakup or divorce. Some women never even try after their marriage dissolves. They lose their self esteem and think that no one will want them especially when they are over 40.
Many single parents make everything about the kids. Everything revolves around them. It’s all about their lives, their activities and their needs. What about you? Do you not count? Do you not deserve love in your life?
Could you possibly be using the kids as an excuse so you don’t have to go back out in the singles market and meet someone? You subconsciously think that staying single for the rest of your life is so much easier than putting out any energy into finding another person to share your life with. Right?
Really? How is that working for you?
What happens when the children leave home? Now what are you going to do? The same thing goes for being a workaholic and then your job ends.
Where is the healthy balance in your life?
Love happens at any age and there are no rules that say you only have “one love” in your lifetime! Life can begin in a whole new way after a divorce and often for the better once you get over the initial hurt.
So get back out there and life your life!! No more excuses, you deserve to be happy!
Married/committed couples & singles are re-shaping their lives in all areas; regardless of approaching milestone birthdays. “Forty is the new thirty” and people finally understand they don’t have to give into the stereotyping of certain age groups. They are re-evaluating their options from careers to relationships and making the necessary changes. This can have a scary impact on many relationships out there!
Gone are the days where many people stayed in an unhealthy scenario!
Wedding vows today are broken way too often and no longer sacred with the intent that the couple will be together forever.
With the divorce rate on the incline some couples are getting nervous about becoming the next ones who will be walking this statistical plank! It doesn’t help that we have access to so many social media stories and reality TV shows that emphasize just how bad the statistics really are!
What can we do about it to change this trending dilemma?
Couples need to understand that when you are married or monogamously committed and no longer out in the dating market, it is even MORE important to put continual effort into your communication skills, appearance and sex life!
Sex is a huge part of the relationship glue and if it is ignored for any length of time it can be the end of the special “pheromone bond” you once shared and could be the demise of your partnership.
How often have you heard people complaining that after they got married and the honeymoon “time frame” ended that sex became less frequent and mundane? There is no playful forbidden fruit, spontaneous rendezvous or the excitement that a sexual partner brings in the early stages of a new relationship. We are all on our best sexual behavior!
Why does that have to dramatically change so that romance & sex becomes somewhat repetitive and in some cases almost non-existent?
Being romantically creative in your marriage or committed partnership will keep the fires burning a lot longer and turn vanilla sex into a hot fudge sundae!
I have coached many women who had lost interest in sex due to the repetitive expectations of their partners and lack of enticing foreplay. Once they finally communicated their concerns openly and discussed how it was ruining their relationship, things started to heat up and change for the better under those 300 thread count sheets; because the men listened.
Why are so Many Couples Separating Later in Life?
The popular 50’s Marilyn Monroe movie “The 7 Year Itch” seems to have been replaced by 20th Anniversary marriage break-ups in the millennium today. There are more and more people newly single in their late 40’s and 50’s than ever before!
In the days of our grandparents, people stayed together because of financial limitations and old school traditions. Today things have changed and both sexes have careers and are now on a more equal footing and don’t feel as trapped. It is more common to see couples both working due to economic struggles of mortgages and child expenses. It is hard to bring up a family on one salary in the millennium!
Unfortunately the everyday life stresses cause many couples to split up within the first 5 years of marriage but there are still many unhappy people that wait until the children are out of high school or have moved out of the family home before they end their relationships.
At least now there are more support groups and resources to help them move on regardless of what age they decide to do so.
The new 40 is not considered old anymore and many people are starting the second half of their life with an excited vision which sometimes includes a new partner.
Life offers many temptations today and people have to work harder to keep their relationships strong.
Many women are now dating younger men and it is not just the husbands leaving the marital home for a younger person anymore.
Here are a few tips to think about keeping sex alive in your marriage or long term commitment:
• Sex should be happening a few times per week or on a schedule that works for both of you.
• Don’t be afraid to gently communicate any sexual concerns to your partner. Couples that talk openly keep a stronger connection for many years to come.
• Sex should be initiated by both sexes!
• Sex may have to be planned or 3 weeks could go by with being too busy. Never be too busy to make love to your partner by making constant excuses.
• Married life can be very hectic with kids and careers so make date nights, mark them on the calendar and follow through with them.
• Both people in the partnership need to keep up their fitness levels. It not only makes you feel and look good; it puts a confident spring in your step towards the bedroom.
• Dress sexy even at home ~ no unattractive sweatpants! You want to keep them looking at you not someone else!
• Ask for help from relative/neighbors or pay for a babysitter to take the kids out so you can have sex at home without worrying they can hear you!
• Never leave the house without a hug or kiss good-bye. Always acknowledge your partner.
• When your partner walks in the front door, drop what you are doing and always get up and greet them. They take priority!
• Kiss your spouse passionately once every day like you did when you first met them; its great foreplay. (None of this peck on the cheek stuff!)
• Bring home little sex treats ~ lingerie, whipped cream, toys from the love shop or whatever you think they might like. Spicing things up in the bedroom isn’t just about changing positions.
• Always let your partner know you are attracted to them!
It is very important to practice these things often, especially as a long term relationship progresses. We all have to deal with many changes as we get a little older, so being aware that your love-life needs to be nurtured is half the battle of maintaining a healthy long lasting sex life.
Men have always had the pressure of having to perform in the bedroom which can be very difficult as the years go by; especially with added family and career stress. Viagra was approved by the FDA in 1998 and has helped many men through the tough times ever since!
Unfortunately this has put many couples into an unbalanced sexual situation, as men are ready willing and able to go as soon as they pop that little blue pill.
Viagra can be intimidating to many women, because they feel like they have to be ready to perform continually. It is a wise idea to let your wife know when you decide to take Viagra. Never assume it is a good time. (Blue balls are not pleasant at any age.)
Don’t despair though ladies because there is some good news for you now too!
As of August 2015, there is now hope for women with a new libido enhancer called Fibanserin! (trade name Addyi) It isn’t quite as powerful as the little blue pill just yet and like Viagra there are some side effects that need to be adhered to.
Hopefully once the kinks are ironed out, this “female Viagra” will eventually even out the sexual playground & help those women who are frustrated with their slowing sex drive.
Many women go through hormone changes after age 45 and it can be tough to feel sexual. Ladies; it is a good idea to get a saliva test to get an accurate reading of what is going on with your estrogen, progesterone and testosterone hormone levels.
This can help alleviate ongoing problems and help to keep you sexually stimulated once you know how to get help with balancing these physical changes.
Communication is the foundation to any successful marriage.
Learning how to talk with your spouse from day one, will keep you emotionally close. When you have respect for each other, have continual communication, and don’t ignore each others concerns, your sex-life will never fall too far behind to cause marital problems; because you are dealing with smaller issues before they become irreconcilable differences!
There will always be little glitches in your job, with your children and life in general, so it is important to understand that your partnership will have them too. Many couples make their relationship commitment the 3rd or 4th priority due to taking each other for granted that they will always be there.
Marriage and any long term relationship for that matter will always have ups and downs (pun intended) but with a little effort and conscious behavioral practice, you and your spouse can happily stay on the other side of the divorce statistics.
Love is like a full time job but well worth the time invested.
Dealing with a breakup of a marriage or long term relationship will always be a very hurtful time but it doesn’t mean you are a failure or your life is over. There are thousands of people in the same situation but the good news is; there is someone special out there for you when you are ready to receive them. The most important thing to remember is we all deserve real love in our lives but we have to allow it into our lives! Life is definitely complicated and we are all here on this continual learning curve about who we are and what really makes us happy.
What makes so many of us choose the wrong person?
Sometimes this happens when we are young and naive; or we settle for someone we don’t really love. We may talk ourselves into a relationship due our ticking biological clocks and having children, the pressure from our family and friends or we just get caught up in the romantic or sexual nature of it all without making sure the relationship is a really good fit. A “forever” partnership is not an easy thing to maintain for the average couple as we are all evolving at different stages in our lives. Unless we grow in similar directions, this will be a big problem for many people.
5 tell tale indicators that your marriage/relationship is over:
You’ve lost that loving feeling ~ you no longer look forward to coming home and find reasons not to.
You feel constant anxiety in their presence ~ whether it be from fear/abusive situations, extreme boredom or loss of respect for them.
There is no sexual attraction at all & in some cases you may even feel repulsed by the thought of it.
You both have absolutely nothing in common ~ you have grown in completely different directions.
You’ve tried counselling and even they give you a business card for a divorce lawyer!
So now what do you do? What will everyone say and how do you deal with the aftermath?
People talk and love a good story so don’t give them one. It is sad but true how others get enjoyment out of someone else’s misery! Be careful not to allow those people to get too close to you at this vulnerable time. You are fragile enough without having to deal with all the gossip and judgmental comments from them as well. This is your life and no one should be talking about your business but you & your Ex; especially if there are children involved. It is easy to vent to anyone who will listen but it really is in your best interest to only divulge things to a trusted friend or family member. You don’t need the added drama.
Isn’t it easier just to stay in this relationship rather to have to fight to get out of it?
Nothing is easier when it is unhealthy. Everyone deserves to be happy and have a loving partnership. Many people stay in relationships due to the kids but don’t fool yourself into thinking this is always the best scenario. Children are sponges and pick up on a lot more than you may realize. If they see a loveless marriage for most of their lives it can cause problems in their own relationships down the road. Money is another big reason for many couples to stay together but you have to ask yourself if it is really worth it in the long run to be tied to someone for only that reason. You are holding on to one aspect and giving up so many other qualities of life. It’s not all about the big house or fancy car; reciprocated love and great sex is worth way more than any material item.
I am a big fan of your talk show and have been watching many of your videos to help get me out of this self sabotaging stage I seem to be stuck in since my marriage ended 1 year ago. I am 38 years old with 2 children ages 9 and 12. My 45 year old husband ended the relationship because he said he was tired of my sweat pant wardrobe and that I never wanted to do anything.
OK he is right about the clothing part but his idea of “doing something” is rock climbing on a vertical slab 2000 ft up, ice camping in the Rockies or hiking up Mount Everest! He’s obsessed and fanatical about staying in shape and is not happy just going for a bike ride or playing basketball with the kids! A long romantic walk on the beach would never be a part of his online dating profile I can assure you of that! He verbally bashes me anytime he can, which is usually about my appearance or my nursing career. He hates it that I take care of anyone but him! To be honest, I am relieved we have ended our 15 year partnership as even my children were fed up with having to be a part of all his fear factor day treks and need for control!
So…the main reason I am writing is because I seem to have developed a self esteem issue about my physical appearance and taken on the attitude of “who would want me!” I cut myself down at any given chance and can’t stand to see my own reflection in the mirror right now. I used to be a beautiful confident woman up until about 3 years ago when my relationship started going downhill. My husband hasn’t really looked at me in a sensual way since he had an affair with a 27 year old a few years back. (I found out through a friend who happened to see them out a few times.) When I confronted him he didn’t deny it but said he stop seeing her if I was more sexual towards him. It didn’t seem to matter when I was 3 years ago; he still stepped out on our marriage!
Since then I gave up and figured what’s the point? He still found someone else he preferred, no matter how many sexy outfits I wore, how many sexting messages I sent or how pretty I did my hair for him. He just constantly threw her in my face and complained about everything at home. He also repeatedly said how much older I looked than my 38 years! I am grateful to say that men still look at me and I am not over weight but I still don’t know how I can get past this self defeating place I have put myself in. What is wrong with me and how can I change this. I would like to meet someone and have a “real” relationship one day!
Please click on this link below to see Dear Sybersue’s answer:
I just had a baby I feel crappy about myself and my husband doesn’t seem to want to have sex with me anymore. He says he is tired from working. He also mentions divorce in an argument when he’s mad & has said many times that my emotions are a big issue. This just adds more stress to what I already feel. How can I repair our marriage?
We do love each other & have had good times together but things have really changed with that too lately. I am a stay at home mom with no income of my own. I tell him I’m lonely and sad because he works a lot and we don’t spend as much time together anymore. The romance has slowed dramatically which is very hurtful as he used to be sweet and caring. How do we get past this stage of our lives & is there hope to rekindle our loving relationship?
My husband & I are currently separated. What are the do’s and don’ts of a separation? Back story: I found out my husband was cheating on me, I kicked him out. I have been going to counseling on my own because he is not ready/wanting to go. I find myself constantly checking his facebook and being hurt by his lack of emotion concerning our marriage. I don’t want to be a doormat if he is actually moving on.
What can I do for myself to survive this separation?
I am sorry to hear you are going through this but I must say you are handling it very well by going to counseling! I am glad that you are not waiting for your EX to go with you. This is about “you” right now because he made the choice to cheat in your relationship.
I always recommend people “not” to go on their Ex’s social media sites where they can see what they are up to regularly. That is torment & only makes the scenario more difficult. I would suggest that you remove him from your Facebook even though you may not be ready to do so.
If somewhere down the road you get back together you can add him again but showing him you are not interested in what he is doing is a boost for you in many ways. (There are ways for him to know that you visit his FB as well, don’t give him that satisfaction!) The fact that he is putting hurtful content on his Facebook wall shows little respect for you in your time of sadness.
Has he even tried to explain why he cheated on you? Was this a full blown affair or a one night stand? Knowing why he did this will offer you some clarity or closure and how you will choose to deal with this separation right now.
You have to honestly ask yourself why you actually want him as a friend right now with how he dealt with your marriage. Reverse the situation, how would he handle it if you cheated on him?
Men move on differently in a break up & women end up taking so much longer to get over it with how they respond. He doesn’t seem to be making any effort to make things right or help you through your pain. He seems to be removing himself from it all together.
Women can be gluttons for punishment sometimes & keep going back for more hurt for some reason ~ Reading old Anniversary cards, watching home videos, crying over our wedding photos, listening to sad love songs & watching their actions on Facebook/Twitter etc. While men are moving on, women are cooped up in an emotional cocoon trying to make sense of it all. I guess that is our way of purging our emotional pain.
The best action I can suggest for you is to get up & keep moving! Try not to care what he is doing right now. He knows you can see what he is posting on social media & posts it anyway. He is moving on or at least having fun for the time being.
Try not to worry about what he is feeling or thinking about your marriage right now. Put as much energy as possible into moving forward with your own life.
If you can forgive him down the road or decide that you have outgrown him, you will feel happy that you didn’t sit here waiting for HIM to make the final decision. In my books he lost that privilege when he decided to bring someone else into your marriage.
Wishing you much love & happiness in your new future!