Are You Too Judgmental about People When Out Dating?

Are You Too Judgmental about People When Out Dating?

Dear Sybersue’s weekly video upload is a discussion on people who are being too judgmental, especially when out on a date!

Both men and women are quick to complain about how hard it is to date in the millennium but continue to make harsh judgment calls very early on when meeting someone new.

We all have special traits, every last one of us!

Are we trying to sabotage our own happiness because we don’t actually believe that we are worthy of having a great partnership? Is this where our high maintenance judgment comes from; out of fear?

If I blow them off first, they won’t have a chance to reject me?”

As Doctor Phil says: How is that working for you????

Or…

Is is because we are fed up with what’s not working for us right away and that we have become jaded and lazy? Are our expectations out of control?

Why don’t we put the same respect and energy into our relationships that we do for our careers?  As I have said many in many past articles; meeting a life partner is like a full time job!  It takes work and perseverance.

But isn’t it worth it?

I talked to so many men and women on my advice column this past year that just don’t have the patience to date. They give themselves a 2 month window when they go online (or use dating apps) and then when they don’t meet someone right away, they give up!

There’s no one out there, I can’t be bothered wasting my time on this.”

If it’s too easy, too quickly, it usually fizzles just as fast anyway! How long does it take to go to University and get a degree? Many of us seem to have the patience for that! Love and careers are both important in everyone’s life but we often tend to forget that, which makes our priorities out of wack!

They both need your attention!

Who are we becoming and where do we get off looking at someone on Tinder for 20 secs and swipe left because “yech they are sooooooo not our type!” When did we get so shallow?

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If something isn’t working for you it is time to really look at why it isn’t. You are the one in charge of your life decisions so it is YOU that has the authority to make changes that will enhance your love-life.

How Do I Do That?

  1. Start saying positive things about people every day.
  2. The minute you hear pessimism in your voice; stop and alter the direction of your thinking. It won’t be easy at first because you will have to deprogram your mindset to a different frequency.
  3. You want people to give you a chance and you don’t want them to judge you harshly when they first meet you right? Remember this, the next time you engage in a conversation with someone and see how quickly things become optimistic in your life.
  4. Good energy attracts like minded energy! It is so much better being around happy people which is contagious. It can only get better from there.
  5. Remove yourself from judgmental people. “Misery loves company!” The more you put yourself into negative situations the more you will keep attracting them into your life.
  6. Take time out every day to be grateful for something in your world. Say it out loud as you are getting ready for work or going out for the evening. The more gracious you are about your life, the less time you will have to dwell on what doesn’t make you happy.
  7. Hire a Dating/Relationship Coach for a few sessions. They can help you with your self-esteem and what you may not be seeing within yourself. Usually when we are too critical about others it is really because we are also critical of ourselves.

What do you think? Have you been in this judgmental place and how did you handle it?  Please leave your comments below this post, I would love to hear what you have to say! ❤

Questions for Sybersue? Download the free app and text her 24/7 at http://www.instantgo.com/dearsybersue

Susan McCord aka Dear Sybersue

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How Do I Avoid Dating Commitment Phobic People?

How Do I Avoid Dating Commitment Phobic People?

Dear Sybersue discusses dating issues when it comes to constantly meeting men and women who are commitment phobic!

Dear Sybersue,

Hi Sybersue, I am writing out of pure frustration today to discuss the ever dreaded dating BS of the millennium! I know you have addressed many topics on your YouTube channel but I really want to know how to deal with men who ALL seem to be commitment phobic!

Why are guys even dating if they are not interested in a relationship? Why are they wasting my time? They know I am interested in a partnership and not just a one night stand so why don’t they just go find someone who is into being “their booty call” instead??

I am 23 years old and I have tried dating men of all ages to try to get around this situation. I thought maybe it was just my age group that was the problem, but nope, that’s not the case. It’s an epidemic!

My girlfriends complain about it too, but some of them have been lucky and have found great relationships. What am I missing in the early stages of dating these men and why am I attracting these types who aren’t looking for a committed partnership?

I don’t just give up after the 1st date and try not to be too judgmental too quickly,but the results are the same with all of them so far!

What can I do to meet someone who is sincerely into a commitment without having to go through all the same drama every time I meet a new guy?

Help!

Going Crazy Kristen

Hi Kristen,

This is a popular question that both men and women want answers to. There are plenty of ladies playing the field out there and driving the guys crazy as well. I hear from them all the time here on my advice column.

The trick is to be smart about your dating choices and not spend too much time with men who are not into having a relationship. There are big signs very early on but as you said “you don’t want to be too judgmental too quickly,” so you may be ignoring them.

There is a huge difference between being judgmental and ignoring those big red flags!

You have dated enough to know when a guy is into wanting a relationship or whether he is just there to put another notch on his bed post. Guys aren’t that good at hiding their sexual desires and if you are paying attention, you will see it early so that you can move on a lot faster!

The sooner you remove yourself from this type of men, the sooner you will stop attracting them towards you.

When a new relationship is going in the right direction you don’t have to ask the questions, “Is he interested in me?” “Where is this going?” or “Are we exclusive with each other?” If you have to ask, you need to move on from them.

You should both be in a place where you are on the same page with how you are feeling about each other. Yes, even in the early stages!

You asked why guys are dating if they aren’t into having a relationship and the answer is because there are always women who will give them what they want. (These women are also hoping they will end up in a partnership with them by doing so.)

How often have you thought that maybe you could be the woman who makes them settle down? I think there are many ladies out there that can relate to this statement! There can also be a very powerful chemistry that happens quickly and lures women into a false sense of partnership security.

Kristen, before you jump into bed with anyone you are dating, listen to what he says he wants in his life, watch his body language and keep the chemistry pheromones in check! Many women become very emotionally attached after they are intimate with someone and they get themselves stuck in a dead end scenario that they aren’t happy in.

Also, make sure that you are ready for a relationship. Subconsciously you may not be, and are choosing unavailable men without totally being aware that you are doing this. Make sure you have dealt with the demons of your past partnerships and that there isn’t any unresolved issues that are clouding your dating scenarios.

It’s never too late to do a little emotional housekeeping!

Please watch the video above to see how you can change things up with your dating life and deal with any initial red flags so that you can meet that special person who is also looking for partnership!

Keep me posted Kristen!

Sybersue
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Please leave your comments below on how you dealt with this type of situation in your life.

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How To Survive Another Bad Date & Eventually Find Love!

SWExperts  Couple fighting on a date

You are ready to go on another date but the last time you went on one it was a disaster. As a matter of fact the last 5 dates have been uneventful and downright aggravating! Bad Dates can include a variety of circumstances dealing with lack of chemistry, blatant rudeness, boredom, narcissistic behavior or something embarrassing that may have happened.

We ALL have our stories:

One guy I had dated a few times went up to use my bathroom, came down 10 minutes later and said he had to leave! WTF? I couldn’t find anything incriminating in my medicine cabinet. Talk about a Seinfeld episode! I went cycling on another first date and spun out in the gravel, fell off my bike & ended up at the hospital! Another memorable time, my date got pissed off at something he didn’t agree with, quickly paid the restaurant bill and didn’t even stop the car to let me out at my front door. I now refer to that as my “tuck & roll” bad date!

Your intuition should always be your number one guide when putting yourself out there into the dating market. If it doesn’t feel right and your gut starts churning, don’t go there! Even a text can show red flags!

 10 Things to be Aware of on a First Date:

  1. Are they attentive to you & are you attracted to them?
  2. Did they make an effort with their appearance and compliment yours?
  3. Is the conversation shared equally or does it feel like an interview?  Is it all about them?
  4. Are they respectful and polite throughout the date? What did their body language say?
  5. Do they make you feel comfortable? Are they playful or too serious?
  6. Did they follow through on the original date plans and were they on time? Did they cancel or reschedule the date?
  7. Do they bring up sex right away in early conversations?
  8. Did they take you to your car or your front door after the date ends?
  9. How much do you have in common? Does the conversation flow freely or is awkward or forced?  (Opposites may attract but they seldom stay together.)
  10. Are they authentic and interesting? Are you interested in them & really want to see them again? Make sure there is a fit and don’t ignore anything that seems insincere.

What do you do if you are uncomfortable and want to leave when you’re out on a date?

Many people are too nice or shy to say anything controversial when things aren’t going well. It is always a good idea to tell them you have a 2 hour time limit on the first date so that they are aware that you have to be somewhere else. Do not go to their house or let them pick you up until you have established a trust & rapport with them. Always be in control of your entrance and departure in the early stages of meeting someone for safety purposes.

No matter how many texts or phone calls you may have had with them, you still don’t know them yet. (There are some pretty good manipulative writers out there.) Don’t get sucked into their smooth talking ways until you have met them face to face.  Eye contact will tell you a lot about a person!

Should you be Honest if your Date is Rude?

Most people do not know how to express themselves when dealing with something like this. If the date is awful they just walk away and let it go as an experience they don’t want to repeat! You could make a difference in their life by tactfully telling them what bothered you and maybe they will learn from it. Some people really don’t know how they come across to others. You may have been put in their path to teach them something about themselves.

Life lessons are not just about what we need to learn about ourselves but also what we can do for someone else.  

I was introduced to a guy through a friend who spent our entire first date on the phone. After an hour went by I got up from my seat, went over to the server, paid my share of the bill and left without a word. I am not sure he even noticed. He had no respect for me or my time and didn’t even hold up a finger to silently apologize. It was obviously something he did regularly and thought nothing of it. I was offended but got over it quickly. Don’t waste too much time analyzing bad behavior or take it too personally. It’s their stuff to deal with and some people are just rude; plain and simple.

One of the ways to prevent some disaster dates is by pre-screening and really paying attention to the initial way they interact with you!

  • Don’t take their online dating profile as the gospel truth.  People lie all the time! Also be aware of your friend or family’s advice about that perfect person they may have for you. Talk to them on the phone first before meeting them and ask the questions that are important to you. Requesting a photo is not unreasonable or shallow. Beauty is in the eye of the beholder and everyone has different tastes.
  • Use the technology available at your fingertips; Google them!! Most people are on some sort of social media tool like Facebook, Instagram or Twitter. If it’s out there in cyberspace it’s free for the public to see. Protecting yourself is always your number 1 priority!
  • Carrie Bradshaw from “Sex and the City,” says that first dates are like job interviews with cocktails. How true is that statement?  When applying for a job you are paying attention to what they are saying and what they are offering you. Unfortunately many men & women make the mistake of not really hearing what is being said on the first few dates and could save themselves a lot of time and energy seeing any red flags earlier, rather than later.
  • Cocktails may make you loosen up on a date but alcohol changes up what we perceive about a person and how we may be perceived by them. Let’s face it; we’re just a little bolder with liquid courage in our bloodstream. I know it’s easier to face someone new after a few beers or a glass of wine but if you want to get the real version of who they are, coffee is a much better choice on that first date.

Too many embarrassing things happen when alcohol enters the picture too early. (Just watch a few episodes of “The Bachelor or Bachelorette” reality show to see what I mean!)

  • Narcissism can be quite common and is super annoying! This is when someone talks about themselves for the entire first date. They brag about their accomplishments, who they know, how much money they have, what type of car they drive and often discuss sex openly and how many people they have slept with! They may as well just have a conversation with themselves in the mirror. Nervousness is one thing but arrogance is another. Caring about another person is the first rule of dating. If it is all about them in the beginning, it probably always will be.

When Planning a First Date:

  • Always have an alternative option in case your original plan gets altered due to the weather or something that may be uncomfortable for your date.
  • Be organized, follow through and always respect their time.  Do not bail last minute on a date because something better may have come up!
  • We all have first date insecurities so the more information they have regarding the date particulars will put them at ease because there will be no surprises. They will know what to wear (casual or dressy, heels or runners) if they should eat beforehand and can look up the directions to the meeting location. Ask them if they have any questions or if they are comfortable with the date venue you chose.
  • Confirm the date! This is appreciated and proper etiquette, especially if it was discussed a week or two before.  It puts them at ease knowing you haven’t forgotten about it and that you are thinking about them & looking forward to seeing them.

Dating can be a great experience if you are smart and observe each scenario with clarity. You will learn how to weed out the wrong types and eventually stop attracting them towards you. Keep an open mind but don’t spend time with people you have no connection with. You shouldn’t have to talk yourself into being with someone!

It should be a natural fit that flows without too many questions or a thousand compromises. Yes, dating is frustrating and hard on your self-esteem, but anything worth having is not always an easy accomplishment. Don’t give up on love; treat it with the same patience & determination as you would with any other goal in your life; it’s always worth the wait and perseverance in the end.

Susan McCord  http://www.theswexperts.com/how-to-survive-another-bad-date/

Susan McCord is a Dating/Relationship/Lifestyle Blogger/Talk Show Host, Published Author, Advice Columnist, Interviewer & Certified Life Coach. Susan is an Advice Columnist @ DearSybersue which is also the title of her book available at Amazon, Itunes, Smashwords, Barnes & Noble and many other book platforms.
Susan was recently named a VIP member of Worldwide Branding. This special distinction honors individuals who have shown exceptional commitment to achieving personal and professional success. Susan has devoted her career to helping others find happiness. Over the past decade she has established a stellar reputation as a sought-after dating & relationship expert, advice columnist, blogger & interviewer. She is best known for hosting a lifestyle talk show for an International audience on YouTube and has garnered more than 1.4 million views which consists of dating/relationship/lifestyle advice, interviews & comical skits.
She makes you think!

Dear Sybersue: Why are Men and Women Becoming so Angry when it Comes to Dating?

 

Dear Sybersue,

I am a 28 year old single guy who is above average looking and very fit! I have a great job that pays well and I live on my own in a trendy area of Vancouver, Canada. That all sounds good I know, but the reason I am writing is because I can’t seem to meet a woman who doesn’t have baggage or a sour outlook on men in general.

But that’s not all…

I hear my guy friends complaining all the time that women are either too independent or too high maintenance! They are turning into angry guys when it comes to dating or relationships and it’s not much fun going out with them these days. They just sit there harshly criticizing any woman who walks into the room! I admit I am not always positive about things but this is really starting to get to me! It doesn’t end here though as even my female friends are now constantly bitching about guys as well!

How did we get here?

I used to think it was just a Vancouver thing, but I often travel for work in the U.S. and it seems like the same problems exist in many of the big cities there as well. People are becoming so self absorbed and it is scary how cold we are acting towards each other. I am not a shy guy and usually have no problem opening up to women but this attitude is making me back away from even wanting to be in a relationship! I blame online dating sites for this because it has made both men and women so lazy when it comes to meeting someone in person.

What do you suggest?

Nathan

Hi Nathan,

Thanks for writing and it is nice to hear from a man in my own city! I couldn’t agree more with you about what is going on with men and women today! This is one of the reasons I decided to do a video on the topic. It really saddens me how angry some people have become when it concerns matters of the heart. Things are very different in the dating world and it really depends on how we individually cope with these changes rather than all fall into a negative place. So far we are not handling it well and things have almost become competitive between men and women!

Women have fought for a very long time to be accepted in the workforce, politics and many other areas where they were shunned from acceptance for hundreds of years. It is a new world but both sexes have not learned how to handle the equal power shift. Some women take it too far and come across controlling and some men are still from the old school where they think women should be in career status or “wifely duties.”

With any big change there is an adjustment period but there is always some good that comes out of it. Men are fighting back in divorce court and obtaining their rights financially and as fathers with child custody and better visitation with their children. Women are finally getting paid the same amount for the same job as their male colleagues, which is also a great change. Now we just need to get both sexes talking and appreciating each other!

So what can you do to change this for yourself Nathan?

1. Stand out and be different from everyone else. Be that fun guy that people want to be around.
2. Don’t let other people’s negativity make you negative.
3. Stop going out with the guys that are being nasty towards women and find other non judgmental people to socialize with.
4. Vancouver has numerous meet-up groups that are always short of men! I go to a few myself and there are some amazing ladies in the room! It is less intimidating for women to meet a guy in a causal setting than in some obvious pickup venue.
5. Start talking to women everywhere you go; a smile and a hello goes a lot further than you think. If they ignore you that’s their problem. Don’t make it yours. Continuing to be friendly and personal, will open up the communication lines and at the very least put you in a better head space.
6. When your buddies start talking crap about women, take the opposite approach and turn the conversation around into a positive direction. Misery loves company and if you don’t partake in their rants, they will eventually stop doing it in front of you.

Don’t ever give up on love. If it were always easy to find, it wouldn’t be as valuable. Meeting someone to have as a life-long partner is not a simple task and nor should it be. It is a journey with lots of forks in the road which is the pattern of life in general. (Understanding early which path to take, will make life less stressful.) Keep believing, stay optimistic and remove yourself away from people that bring you down. Changing your environment will bring you healthy rewards.

Let me know how things go Nathan!

Dear Sybersue                                                                                                                             

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