I am a big fan of your talk show and have been watching many of your videos to help get me out of this self sabotaging stage I seem to be stuck in since my marriage ended 1 year ago. I am 38 years old with 2 children ages 9 and 12. My 45 year old husband ended the relationship because he said he was tired of my sweat pant wardrobe and that I never wanted to do anything.
OK he is right about the clothing part but his idea of “doing something” is rock climbing on a vertical slab 2000 ft up, ice camping in the Rockies or hiking up Mount Everest! He’s obsessed and fanatical about staying in shape and is not happy just going for a bike ride or playing basketball with the kids! A long romantic walk on the beach would never be a part of his online dating profile I can assure you of that! He verbally bashes me anytime he can, which is usually about my appearance or my nursing career. He hates it that I take care of anyone but him! To be honest, I am relieved we have ended our 15 year partnership as even my children were fed up with having to be a part of all his fear factor day treks and need for control!
So…the main reason I am writing is because I seem to have developed a self esteem issue about my physical appearance and taken on the attitude of “who would want me!” I cut myself down at any given chance and can’t stand to see my own reflection in the mirror right now. I used to be a beautiful confident woman up until about 3 years ago when my relationship started going downhill. My husband hasn’t really looked at me in a sensual way since he had an affair with a 27 year old a few years back. (I found out through a friend who happened to see them out a few times.) When I confronted him he didn’t deny it but said he stop seeing her if I was more sexual towards him. It didn’t seem to matter when I was 3 years ago; he still stepped out on our marriage!
Since then I gave up and figured what’s the point? He still found someone else he preferred, no matter how many sexy outfits I wore, how many sexting messages I sent or how pretty I did my hair for him. He just constantly threw her in my face and complained about everything at home. He also repeatedly said how much older I looked than my 38 years! I am grateful to say that men still look at me and I am not over weight but I still don’t know how I can get past this self defeating place I have put myself in. What is wrong with me and how can I change this. I would like to meet someone and have a “real” relationship one day!
Please click on this link below to see Dear Sybersue’s answer:
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QUESTION FROM A YOUTUBE VIEWER:
I am a single Mom who is starting to go stir crazy due to the lack of male affection I receive. My son is 12 years old and I have raised him by myself for 9 years. His father has limited contact due to his “busy lifestyle,” which gives me 90% access time with my son!
I am starting to forget what sex is, and I do not want to become one of these bitter women who really just need to get laid! I would be happy if I just had sex once every 3-4 weeks at this point. It doesn’t have to be a relationship but I would like it to be with the same guy.
I work 4 days per week from 8:30-4:30 and the rest of the time I spend with my son getting him to all his sports and school events. How do I meet someone to even have a conversation with when there are no hours left in the day for me to socialize?
Can you steer me in the right direction?
Dear Sybersue’s Answer:
I can totally relate to your question as I had a similar situation while raising my son as a single mom. There is definitely something to be said for having every other weekend to yourself when your child goes to see the other parent. We all need to re-energize without always having to be “on” as a mom! Who has time to date and look for love when you are playing both mom & dad 24/7? I am sure this is where the “Friends with Benefits” scenario was derived from due to the uncomplicated nature of having a partner with very few strings or expectations attached. (Well…that is until one person becomes a lot more attached and the dynamic changes to a non-reciprocated sex only partnership!)
The first thing you have to decide is how much free time you can make for yourself each week. This is not a question rather than a statement. You NEED time for YOU! Your child also needs to have time away from mom and it is essential for him to see that your life doesn’t only revolve around him. (His wife will thank you for this years down the road!) It will also make him worry less about you and see that you are happier getting out and enjoying yourself outside your daily mom role. Kids are way smarter than we give them credit for and they take on a lot of guilt when their parents aren’t doing well. In some cases they end up taking over the role of the parent and abandoning their own childhood to make things better at home. This is not a good thing!
5 Steps that you can help you get out of the Boring Mom Rut:
- Set a “play date” for yourself each week. If your son has baseball, hockey, a birthday party, school field trip or another activity a few times per week, arrange it in that time frame. (Obviously you would want to make it during a practice & not a game or important event!)
- Work out something with another mother for car pooling which will give you a night free for a date or take turns having their child for a sleepover or just for a few hours in the evening.
- Meet your date outside the family home especially if you don’t know them well or you are not interested in a permanent relationship with them. If you decide later on that this may become something a little more serious, then you can change that up accordingly.
- If you are having trouble meeting men; I suggest opening up and chatting with others at your son’s school or sporting events, talk to a close friend who may know some single men or join a “meet up group” that has regular get-togethers you could attend. If you decide to go online please do your research very carefully! I suggest you get some help from someone who has experience in this.)
- Get out of the house! Change up your surroundings. Meeting new people (men and women) is always a great thing to keep your life diverse as a single parent. It keeps you from getting stuck in your mommy van routine and adds a new dimension that allows others to see the whole person that you really are.
If you are not interested in a committed relationship right now, there are many lonely single dads who would jump at the chance of a “no strings” bedroom partner. The hardest part is initiating it without feeling guilty or promiscuous. “What are you saving yourself for?” Is your Ex abstaining from enjoying a good sex-life? I think not! Be smart with whom you let into your life and make sure you listen to your instincts when you feel any doubts at all! I do suggest going to “their place” so you can leave when you want to, and not have the embarrassment of your child coming home early one day and catching you in your Victoria Secret leopard attire.
Times have changed and both sexes deserve to feel loved or at least sexually satisfied. Get yourself out there and meet a great guy that you can have reciprocal affectionate interludes with. You can be safe, set your own boundaries and still feel good about yourself. Put that spring back in your step, wipe off the cobwebs and enjoy what nature gave you to use. ~ Orgasms are Prozac for Single Moms!