Dear Sybersue,
I have been in a relationship with my boyfriend Daniel for 3 1/2 years and we have been engaged for 2 years. He proposed to me with a very simple gold band but he has promised me there will be a bigger and better wedding ring the day we walk down the aisle together.
I am 33 years old and Daniel is 36. We have very few discussions regarding any marriage plans and no actual date has been set on the calendar for the wedding ceremony. We have talked about having children but everything seems to be in a holding pattern since we got engaged. I am ready to be a mom but it is important for me to be married first!
Do you think I am fooling myself waiting around for him to go through with us ever getting married? Is this band on my finger basically a promise ring and nothing else? He is continually saying how stressed he is with work and finances etc. but I personally think it is an excuse so I won’t bring up any wedding talk!
Both our jobs pay well and our mortgage payments are not a problem at all for us. I think we are doing really great as a couple and are handling our money very well together. We don’t have a lot of debt so I am not sure what his stress issues are?
I am beginning to think the only thing he is having anxiety about is committing to a marriage with me!
I do love him and think he still loves me too but I am at a loss of what to do. He changes the subject quickly if I bring up anything wedding related and it is starting to piss me off! What is going on with him? I didn’t force him to propose to me!
Any suggestions on what to do next?
Thanks Sybersue!
Janine
Hi Janine,
Thanks for writing as there are many other people out there wondering the same thing in their own relationships. The question is whether your partner is really committed for the long haul or is he going to keep on making continual excuses as to why he is not planning on walking down the aisle anytime soon.
Was he ever really serious about getting married or was he just appeasing a scenario that he thought made you happy?
You may be right that the reason Daniel didn’t splurge on a beautiful engagement ring could be a silent statement that it was more of a promise ring. Maybe in his mind, it would give him more time to adjust to the actual marriage commitment because you would be more at ease knowing you were engaged.
A 2-year engagement is definitely on the long side considering you are both in your 30’s with good jobs and already making payments on your own home. Something is scaring him from actually going through with the nuptials that’s for certain because he does seem committed with everything else.
Some men think that by putting a ring on their partner’s finger that this is all they need to show they are committed.
I think it is time to have a chat with him about his real intentions because you have already invested 3 1/2 years with him. Your priority is having a family and if Daniel isn’t really sincere or on the same page with you, then you need to know now!
If he doesn’t want to set a date to get married within this year then you will have your answer. I don’t believe in ultimatums but the fact that he proposed to you shows he was interested in a future with you.
You have every right to question his motives and I encourage you to do so.
He may surprise you and let his guard down with what his fears are based on and maybe you can work on them together or he can talk to a counselor about them. At the very least you need to know where you stand and what step you need to take next.
Let me know what transpires Janine!
Sybersue <3
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