Dear Sybersue,
OK bear with me while I vent a little here. Grrrrrrr
I am a decent looking guy in my early 30’s that is single but ready to find that special woman to settle down with. I usually meet women online and Tinder seems to be the App that I use most frequently. I know it is not everyone’s choice but I like the simplicity of it. (OK saying that out loud makes me sound a little shallow doesn’t it; sort of like I don’t want to put in too much effort?) I’m actually not a bad guy but like most men we are not into anything complicated, especially in the female department!
So; my questions are:
- Why do women text so often and expect an instant reply every time?
- Why do they pretend to like certain things that I like in the beginning, but actually have no interest in them after we have established a connection?
- Why are they so easy to get into bed but play the high maintenance card in all other areas?
I have spoken with many of my male friends regarding these questions and none of us know the answers, or how to meet a quality “drama free” lady that we can share our lives with. Women seem to be clones of each other today; all acting alike and looking alike too!
What should I do differently to attract someone who is not a fake like all these online ladies I am meeting right now.
Thank you Sybersue!
Ben H.
Dear Ben,
I chose your email to post online due to the amount of other men writing me with similar questions.
It is not an easy time in our new world of technology communication and our human etiquette skills are buried under our keyboards and smart phones. We are losing our way and becoming disconnected in non-existent discussions due to the lack of meeting in face to face scenarios.
Our expectations are over the top and our patience levels are minimal. We want it NOW and if a few things aren’t perfect we move on to the next swipe on our phone or a new profile photo on various dating sites.
I will answer your questions in order that you asked them:
Answer to #1 Question: Why do women text so often and expect a reply instantly every time?
- Women like to know you are thinking about them…a lot!
- She is trying to be playful with the texts and is looking for a response from you that shows you really like her.
- Some women are more aggressive than others but it’s up to you from that first date to let her know truthfully whether you are interested or not. Don’t pretend if you’re not; move on! Be upfront but gentle but don’t just stop texting or ghost her.
- Don’t leave her with questions. If you enjoyed the date, tell her that you would like to see her again and phone her with a plan for a few days down the road.
- Tell her you are too busy at work to text back & forth all day and you will contact her when you have time later in the day.
- Watch for red flags on the first date. Is she needy, does she tell you every little thing about herself and what she wants in her 5 year plan?
- Be careful what signs you give her early on. If she thinks you are really interested in her it will give her the green light to pursue it further with you. Tell her you prefer to take things slow and you are not into a fast courtship. If she continues to be pushy after all of the above, it is time for you to end things.
- If you are really not that interested do not have sex with her. Some women become very attached emotionally after being intimate with a man.
Answer to #2 Question: Why do they pretend to like certain things that I like in the beginning but actually have no interest in them after we have established a connection?
- I think both sexes are a little guilty of doing this. We want to impress each other so much in the beginning that we get a little over excited and exaggerate about our hobbies, passions and activities. Some women say they like something to keep you interested so that you will call them again.
- She could be truthfully interested in something you like doing but may not be very good at it; so she makes excuses why she can’t do it at that particular time you ask her.
- She could just be fake and saying anything what you want to hear to get your attention.
- If it is something that is really important to you and your future relationship, you will need to push the interest level and call her bluff on it. Waiting a year down the road and then realizing you are opposites in many ways, will end up causing big problems or the end of you as a couple!
- Listen closely to what she says and always be aware of the truth and her sincerity by paying attention to your instincts. Your gut is seldom wrong!
Answer to #3 Question: Why are women so easy to get into bed but play the high maintenance card in all other areas?
- This one baffles me a lot too but there are two main reasons that women sleep with men so quickly. The first one is because they think men will run away if they don’t have sex on the first night and the second reason is they think it gives them more power with you. Once they have shown you their “worldly goods” you owe them something in return.
- Some women use this sex weakness (sorry guys, it had to be said) to get financial rewards. Once they establish a certain system with you & your wallet, it becomes an expectation.
- Don’t pay for everything and she will not be allowed to be high maintenance. If you want to find out if she is with you because she actually “likes you for you,” then don’t be so willing to give her everything on a silver platter before you even know her. Some guys like to show off a little in the beginning but it sets the wrong precedence and changes the dynamics in the early stages of what could have been a partnership.
- Make sure you are not choosing the same type of women all the time and getting yourself into a pattern. We often don’t see this within ourselves and it is the reason we continually get frustrated when our dating life continues to disappoint us. If you are always attracted to the perfect “10” female with looks being the top priority, you will end up back in the high maintenance category over and over again.
- Revise your checklist! Even if you don’t have one down on paper, just thinking about ALL the things you want in a woman could be jeopardizing your happiness. You could actually be the one that is high maintenance.
Don’t ever give up on Love. <3 Be honest with yourself and what you are really looking for in a partner. You are in charge of who you attract towards you so you may have to change up your thought process to bring that special woman towards you.
It does take two to make a relationship work so try to remember that you are the one responsible with who you are meeting and allowing into your life. If it’s not working then you have nothing to lose by changing it up.
Most women are wonderful and really do want a loving man to share their world with. If you want a nice girl who is compatible with you and fun to be around, put it out there and visualize her! Knowing what you want is half the dating battle because most people talk about what they don’t want in a relationship but seldom talk about the positive things that they do want.
Let me know what transpires in the next few months. I will look forward to hearing how things are going for you romantically.
Wishing you love and happiness always. <3
Sybersue
