Dear Sybersue,
I regularly watch your video’s on twobeavers/youtube but the one thing that bugs me is you do not seem to have any advice about a cheating wife or girlfriend. I know there are some books & some website’s available but there needs to be more videos to help guys if their wife or girlfriend is cheating on him. It happens continually and myself & many of my male friends are trying to learn how to deal with it. We are not openly emotional at the best of times and usually try to work it out by ourselves but I’m sure you know how well that goes! We still feel rejection & hurt like women do, and could use some visual guidance and support on the subject. Looking forward to what you have to say & hope you will think about doing that video as well.
TFF (Totally Fed up Frank)
Dear TFF,
Thanks so much for writing.
Yes, I will absolutely organize a video discussion on this topic. I will rectify that very soon! Thanks for the heads up & sorry that there isn’t much of support system out there for you.
In the meantime, when it comes to how men deal with the aftermath of a cheater depends on how much they allow their emotions to play a part. Everyone gets hurt just the same regardless of gender and it stings like Hell to have someone cheat on you! Some men never get over the rejection and it can ruin future relationships due to the anger that never dissipates. (Mainly because they have no one to talk to or do not feel comfortable letting their guard down.) It is still very tough on men to show their emotional disposition & they do not like to draw attention to it.
One guy I spoke with was honest enough to admit to me that when his wife cheated on him while they were on vacation and after confronting her when he found out, he decided to forgive her & internalized his hurt. He did not listen to his gut. He decided to give her a second chance but things were never the same again because his original intuition never quit nagging at him. He also realized as time went by that it was actually an omen that she cheated because it made him realize their relationship had become complacent & incompatible. He is now happy in a fulfilling partnership and pays attention to the red flags that hurts so many relationships. Nipping it in the bud can salvage a partnership that might otherwise end unnecessarily.
I am not condoning cheating at all, but there is a huge message here & sometimes people don’t understand that they might have played a small part in why a partner may end up being unfaithful. (For example: They are never home, their career is #1 priority, flirting constantly with others, no sex, abusive behavior, too many boys/girls nights out, Opposite interests or activities etc.) Cheating happens because most people are too afraid to leave their relationship, so they decide to start looking elsewhere. A person who has any integrity would discuss the relationship issues before they took to cheating on their partner. Women are partaking in being “the cheater” more & more due to the same temptations that men have always had outside the home. Gone are the days of the “bored” housewives…
We also have to look at the people we let in our lives & question why we allowed them “in”. I hate to sound cliche but we do attract people towards us by how we are feeling at that moment. Some people have serious issues & get a thrill out of being a serial cheater. The excitement comes from being the other person or the mistress or finding the vulnerably broken-hearted conquests as well. This is why it is crucial not to get attached to someone too soon after a breakup due to being more fragile at that time and allowing another wrong scenario to enter our lives. (This is especially true for many men as they do not usually divulge their sensitivities to anyone and just move on to the next without dealing with their real feelings.) In many cases it can be much harder on a man due to the deep ego bruising it causes. Men are proud & take it more personally than women. Women can cry for 6 months while they drive their girlfriends crazy trying to get past the hurt; men have always been taught to be the man & not to be weak.
Sometimes we learn about our own behavior due to our partner cheating or moving on from the relationship. Watch for “the red flags” of them slowly removing themselves’ from your relationship before it actually happens. There are some pretty big signs but most of us are too busy to notice. Don’t be one of those people, your relationships are important.
I hope this helps a little Frank, please let me know what transpires for you & how you are doing.
Sybersue <3 xo
