My Husband Cheated & Now We Are Separated! Now What?
Dear Sybersue,
My husband & I are currently separated. What are the do’s and don’ts of a separation? Back story: I found out my husband was cheating on me, I kicked him out. I have been going to counseling on my own because he is not ready/wanting to go.
I find myself constantly checking his facebook and being hurt by his lack of emotion concerning our marriage. I don’t want to be a doormat if he is actually moving on.
What can I do for myself to survive this separation?
Thanks sybersue, Christine
Hi Christine,
I am sorry to hear you are going through this but I must say you are handling it very well by going to counseling! I am glad that you are not waiting for your EX to go with you. This is about “you” right now because he made the choice to cheat in your relationship.
I always recommend people “not” to go on their Ex’s social media sites where they can see what they are up to regularly. That is torment & only makes the scenario more difficult. I would suggest that you remove him from your Facebook even though you may not be ready to do so.
If somewhere down the road you get back together you can add him again but showing him you are not interested in what he is doing is a boost for you in many ways. (There are ways for him to know that you visit his FB as well, don’t give him that satisfaction!)
The fact that he is putting hurtful content on his Facebook wall shows little respect for you in your time of sadness.
Has he even tried to explain why he cheated on you? Was this a full blown affair or a one night stand? Knowing why he did this will offer you some clarity or closure and how you will choose to deal with this separation right now.
You have to honestly ask yourself why you actually want him as a friend right now with how he dealt with your marriage. Reverse the situation, how would he handle it if you cheated on him?
Men move on differently in a break up & women end up taking so much longer to get over it with how they respond. He doesn’t seem to be making any effort to make things right or help you through your pain. He seems to be removing himself from it all together.
Women can be gluttons for punishment sometimes & keep going back for more hurt for some reason ~ Reading old Anniversary cards, watching home videos, crying over our wedding photos, listening to sad love songs & watching their actions on Facebook/Twitter etc. While men are moving on, women are cooped up in an emotional cocoon trying to make sense of it all. I guess that is our way of purging our emotional pain.
The best action I can suggest for you is to get up & keep moving! Try not to care what he is doing right now. He knows you can see what he is posting on social media & posts it anyway. He is moving on or at least having fun for the time being.
Try not to worry about what he is feeling or thinking about your marriage right now. Put as much energy as possible into moving forward with your own life.
If you can forgive him down the road or decide that you have outgrown him, you will feel happy that you didn’t sit here waiting for HIM to make the final decision. In my books he lost that privilege when he decided to bring someone else into your marriage.
Wishing you much love & happiness in your new future! <3
Sybersue @ The Dear Sybersue Advice Talk Show
I started to feel that my relationship with my husband has begun to drift apart after 14 years of marriage. He always seemed to avoid me and was accused me of being suspicious. I started to notice that he was on the internet more then usual and was very secretive of what he was doing by using the computer in the middle of the night, minimize the screen as I walked by, and deleting the Internet History after every use.
I had enough and decided to see what he was really up to. I has the Internet History Analyzed on the computer and found he was cheating on me with someone from an online dating website. They were making plans for the upcoming weekend when he was supposed to be away on a business trip.
I pretended I knew nothing and surprise to him he returned I was gone along with the kids. The only thing I left was a note telling him I knew what was going on and it was over.
This was one of the hardest things I have ever had to do, but I could not continue to go on like that. I had to do something and I am glad I did.
Here is the website that changed my life : http://hubbyspy.ca/services/internet-history-analysis/