Dear Sybersue:  Dating a Friend’s Ex is NOT OK!

Getting Past the Heartbreak
Getting Past the Heartbreak

Dear Sybersue:

I feel that dating a friend’s ex-boyfriend is wrong. I don’t care what excuses anyone makes. When a friend engages in a relationship with a friend’s ex-boyfriend, it’s being selfish from both the friend and ex-boyfriend’s end. I feel that when a friend and ex-boyfriend do this to a friend, they are not only selfish for thinking about their needs first and neglecting the fact that they put their friend in more pain and hurt by their actions, but they are also selfish in that they put their friend in the horrible and difficult situation on deciding whether or not she can forgive them. Any person of decency, respect, and consideration would never put their friend in this difficult position. To have to deal with the messy outcome and images of them engaging in a relationship behind the friend’s back. Friends don’t treat their friends this way. I would have never done this to any of my friends. I have never done that to any of my friends. I have integrity, a moral compass, etc. I’d rather be alone for years than to hurt my friend by engaging in a relationship with her ex-boyfriend. When a friend does this to her friend – the ex-boyfriend is like shared goods. It’s like the special relationship I had with the ex-boyfriend is cheapened because he’s tossed around in relations with my friends and everybody is knowing what is going on. I don’t care how lonely you feel. I’ve been alone for a long time. Any friend who cares about their friend would have self control and not violate the friendship code by having a relationship with a friend’s ex-boyfriend or ex-girlfriend. I have self control. I feel that these two close friends were very selfish and had no self control. They cared about themselves and didn’t care about the hurt and pain they have caused their friend. It just really gets to me that I’ve been grieving and mourning this entire year while they were having fun with each other behind my back while I was crying all this time this year. It’s so heartless, insensitive, selfish, disgusting, dishonorable, disrespectful, etc.

I’d rather be a Nun or Monk than to engage in a relationship with a friend’s ex-boyfriend. What they did, to me and many people’s eyes, was wrong. I hate that these close friends put me in the position where I have to be the one to forgive. I don’t know what to do. I can’t even go on the place where all three of us met. I feel that because of their actions and behavior, I have to be the one to give up that place for a long while even though I wasn’t the one who engaged in disrespectful, thoughtless, selfish, self satisfying behavior that they did behind my back. The ex-boyfriend was my close friend. That female friend was my close friend. What the heck am I supposed to do? What they did behind my back is more of a violation of trust than me venting online. My sister, friends, co-workers, etc. say that I’m a better person than these two friends, and that they see no wrong in me venting online because at least I’m being honest and real, and didn’t engage in bad or poor actions or behavior. My sister, co-workers, and friends hate that these close friends are trying to make me feel bad for venting online because those close friends were the ones who engaged in poor conduct, disrespectful behavior, hurtful actions. Don’t turn the tables around on me. They put me in this position of deep hurt & pain.

I have the right to vent. Don’t tell me how to feel. These are my honest feelings. I’m deeply hurt.I have the right to feel the way I feel. I’m deeply hurt by their actions. That’s why I feel like I have to give up the place where we all met for a long while, to give up going online for awhile because I’m in deep pain and hurt from what they did. These are my feelings, and the both of them shouldn’t tell me what to do or how to feel. They hurt me. They’re the ones who should feel bad, sorrowful, remorseful for what they did. Don’t try to shift or transfer any guilt on me. I didn’t do what they did. I shouldn’t have to feel bad because I wasn’t the one who did this to them. I hate that they did this. I hate that they put me in this position. I hate that they did this knowing that I’ve been in pain, crying, grieving all this year while they were having selfish fun at my pain and expense. I’m sorry. But I have the right to feel what I feel. All of my real life friends say that it’s going to take me a long time to heal from this. The both of these close friends have no right to tell me how I should react or feel in regards to what they did. They were in the wrong. Not me. The worst I have ever done is vent online or ask them directly why they did what they did. Anything I have ever done doesn’t even compare to what these two close friends did. It was very disrespectful to me. And I STILL feel this way. And I hate that I have to be the one to try to recover from all of this hurt, sadness, and pain these two close friends caused me. I hate that they put me in a position where the burden is on me to decide if I can forgive either of them. So my strong advice and recommendation is for friends to NEVER do this to their friends – have relations with a friend’s ex-boyfriend or ex-girlfriend UNLESS they ask their friends for permission BEFORE they engage in relations OUT OF RESPECT, class, thoughtfulness, consideration, AND decency for their friend and her feelings.

Thank you, Girl in Pain


Dear Girl in Pain:

I am sorry you are hurting and I can hear the deep pain in your words.  It is never a good thing to feel deceived especially by two people you loved & trusted.  Sadly this is a more common scenario than it should be and you are not alone is dealing with this situation ~ unfortunately many people have been in your shoes.  It is great that you are able to talk about it and not hold it all inside, but I have to be candid and say that you are giving them way too much power over your life!!

A year is a long time to be upset over their actions and you need to move away from anything that reminds you of them. You seem to know what they are doing & that they are happy together which means you must have some access to their social media, Facebook, hangouts or mutual friends. This is why it is even harder to get on with your life because it is constantly in your face.  The sooner you move away from these tormenting reminders, the faster you will heal and be able to move on to find a “better” love in your life. There is a lesson here somewhere but we don’t always see them right away when we are sad, angry or hurt.  By stepping away from certain people or things that keep this “relationship” in the forefront will help you to slowly get your heart back again.

Take a good look at what transpired and why you and your EX broke up.  You never said why? How long after did your Ex & your friend start a relationship together?  There was a reason you and your ex boyfriend broke up or you would still be together.  What was the main reason?  Maybe a part of you still has feelings for him and that is why this hurts you even more.  It can also be rejection overload and we all deal with that differently.  Rejection is not an easy thing to handle as the ego is crushed.

You don’t have to forgive anyone right now but you need to get yourself on a healthier path.  It’s time for a shake up in your life and some new diversions to take you in another direction.  “Hate” is a very strong word and this pain you are feeling is toxic and will make all parts of your life unbalanced.  You are worth so much more than that so don’t let their situation ruin your happiness.  Your friends want to see you happy so start showing them that side of you. It is difficult to be around friends who are hurting or angry as it plays a part in their life too.  Be the happy fun girl they all know and love and let those “year long demons” out of your thoughts.

Take back your power!!

Sybersue <3

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