I Just Found Out My Boyfriend of Two Years is Married! Should I Give Him an Ultimatum?

Dear Sybersue answers Marnie’s question. I Just Found Out My Boyfriend of Two Years is Married! Should I Give Him an Ultimatum?

Dear Sybersue,

I have been in a long-distance relationship with my boyfriend for two years and I just found out he is married! One of my best friends (Carla) had met my boyfriend a few times at my house so she knew who he was.

While she was on vacation she ran into my BF (in his city) with his wife and two kids! He didn’t see her but she sure saw him! She watched them for about 10 minutes. They were walking hand in hand and both of them were wearing wedding rings! (The wife addressed him by his name and the kids also used the words “mom” and “dad” a few times.)

Carla nervously broke the news to me yesterday but I have not yet confronted my boyfriend. I don’t have any reason not to believe her as she always has my best interest at heart. She is a really great person.

I am so angry and I really don’t know how to handle this. I can’t just stop loving him overnight! Should I give him the ultimatum: “It’s either your wife or me!” What should I do???

Thank you!

Marnie

Dear Marnie,

First of all, I am sorry you are dealing with this reality right now on top of everything else going on in the world at this difficult time! You have invested 2 years into a man who has deceitfully lied the entire time. I can only imagine how devastated you must feel.

In answer to your question, NO, I do not think you should give your boyfriend an ultimatum. I think you should hear what he has to say and to ensure that he is married first, and then remove yourself from having anything to do with him.

He has been living a double life at your expense! What else has he been up to behind your back!

Take yourself out of the equation for a minute and think about his wife and kids. If this is destroying you right now, how do you think they will feel? You have given him 2 years of your love while she has said marriage vows and given him two beautiful children!

Would you really be OK if your boyfriend left them all to be with you and your ultimatum?

Maybe part of the reason you are angry is that you didn’t see (or ignored) the red flags in front of you. After two years I am gathering that you never went to his place and that he came to see you when he could get away from home. Am I correct? Unfortunately, when you are in a long-distance relationship it is a lot easier to hide things from your partner.

It is very important to pay close attention in the early stages of meeting a potential partner. If you’re not meeting their friends/family or staying at their house, there is a problem. If everything is based on when they can see you, there is another problem.

When you confront your BF about this news, watch how he reacts. Is he in denial? Is he defensive? Or does he come clean and tell you the truth? I can’t tell you how to handle things on your side but there are two women’s and two kids’ hearts at stake here.

Regardless of what excuse he gives you, don’t get pulled into his BS. He never gave you a choice on what you would have said or done if he had shared that he was married when he initially met you. He played the game as smoothly as any good con artist would!

As the wife, I would definitely want to know about my husband’s infidelities. There’s nothing more infuriating than being the last to know when you’re being deceived!

He should respect her enough to tell her the truth about what he has been up to and let her make her own decision on where she wants to go from here. If he chooses not to do this, it is up to you on whether you want to tell her.

I know it won’t be easy getting over his betrayal but try to see this as an eye-opening life lesson that you can learn from. Don’t ignore those little nagging spidey-senses that something doesn’t feel quite right, they are tingling for a reason. Talk can be cheap and actions really do speak volumes.

Don’t shortchange yourself to take a part-time relationship which is always on their time frame. If it is an authentic love they will be invested 100%.

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