Breakup Epiphany – I Miss the Guy I thought He was!

Today I answer Carolyn’s question, Breakup Epiphany: I Miss the Guy I thought He was!

Dear Sybersue,

First of all, I would like to say thank you for the time you invest in all your blogs and videos! I am a subscriber on your website and your YouTube channel! I am hoping you can help me with my questions today as I am feeling very stuck right now!

Here is my situation:

My Boyfriend recently broke up with me because he said he didn’t feel the same way I did. He also said that I’m way too intense and he felt suffocated! Ugh, that hit me hard!

Now that I have had some time to think about it, I realize that I was actually quite lonely in our relationship. I spent way too much time giving myself (18 months) to the wrong man who wasn’t ever really interested in me.

Saying that out loud makes me sound more mature than I feel, but to be honest I am having a hard time getting over a guy who wasn’t really who I thought he was. Did I make him into a fantasy boyfriend of what I really hoped to have? Did I let his looks and body play a big part in my attraction towards him?

I know I have a lot of questions but…

How do I stop dating guys who I have to keep pushing to get their attention? Why is it so hard to have reciprocated love in my relationships? Why am I attracted to the same dating pattern that isn’t working? Am I too controlling or needy? Why do I always love the wrong men who aren’t interested in a long term partnership?

I know this is a lot to ask from you but I really need to figure my shit out! Thank you so much, Sybersue!

Carolyn

Dear Carolyn,

Thank you so much for subscribing to both my youtube channel and here at Sybersue! ❤ I decided to film a segment on your question this week so please watch the video above as well as reading this post. There are many men and women dealing with a similar scenario such as yours so you are definitely not alone.

My first question to you is why do you want to be in an unbalanced relationship with anyone? You said it has become a pattern with the men you date so I am wondering if there is an internal need to be accepted? Have you had to fight for love from your family, or maybe you had to deal with a difficult heartbreak in your teens?

We often internalize these things at a very early age so we don’t always register that there is something deep-rooted that controls our behavior.

Due to the fact that you only date unavailable men shows me that there are underlying demons that need to surface and be explored. The first way to heal your broken heart is by owning your part in why the partnership didn’t work out. You may need to talk to a coach or therapist to figure out what that is.

There are always two people that play a role in the making and breaking of a relationship. It is ultimately your choice with whom you allow into your life and it sounds like something is stuck in familiar mode rather than in a reality mode.

It is not unusual for many people to repeat certain choices due to an addictive pattern and often let their gut instincts take a back seat.

I am sure you have heard those nagging voices inside your head when you end up in another similar non-committal relationship; but you choose to ignore them because maybe this time it will work out!

It is no wonder you have so many questions but I have one for you: Why are you doing the same thing over and over again, expecting different results? That may be one of the oldest cliche’s out there but it sure makes a lot of sense doesn’t it?

Yes, I think you did put this guy on your “fantasy husband checklist” and you tried so hard to make it happen, that he got scared off. Men like to have some say in the direction of how the relationship progresses. They don’t want to be smothered continually by someone who puts them on a pedestal where they can do no wrong.

They want a little challenge, some mystery and a woman who has her own life. Most guys do not want a “yes girl” for very long.

Take a “time out” from men and then in about 6 months freshen up your dating style.

Go outside the norm of what you would usually do and date men that don’t necessarily fit your fantasy profile. If you are using online resources, carefully read the profile description and watch out for the red flag cheesey lines. Pay careful attention to their photos!

If you are attracted only to hot guys who post half naked photos of themselves then you need to swipe right by them. Men who are serious about having a relationship are past the vanity stage of being a poser.

If a guy tells you he is not into a full time relationship, doesn’t want kids (and you do) is dating other women or takes too long to ask you out, move on right away. Listen to what he is really saying and watch his actions!

DO NOT sleep with them until you know there could be a connection outside the bedroom. Sex too soon can be a huge culprit in emotional attachment. It grips onto your heart and your loins like nothing else!

Take time to get to know them. Let them be the pursuer but don’t play games or hard to get.

The best way to find out if someone is really interested is to let them tell you and show you. If you keep taking over the reins from the start with each new person, how will you know if they want to be there or they are just there because you make it so easy for them to be.

Don’t be so assertive right away. If you want a reciprocated relationship, two people have to want it and both of you should pursue it. Let me know what transpires in the next while.

Thanks for writing Carolyn ❤

Sybersue xo

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