Am I ever going to get married?
I am usually a very patient woman but I am starting to get very frustrated with my ongoing situation with my boyfriend Andrew, of almost 4 years! I am 32 and he is 38 years old. I love him very much and feel that I have invested more than enough time to prove that to him.
I have never given him an ultimatum or pressured him into marriage. We have been living together for 3 years and get along really well. We seldom argue and have a lot in common. People always tell us what a fantastic couple we make! We discussed marriage just before we moved in together and at that time Andrew said he definitely wanted to tie the knot one day. Sadly, there has been no conversation regarding any future plans since that time. I didn’t think that “one day” could mean 10 years!
Should I give him an ultimatum like many of my friends are suggesting?
Getting Pissed Off, Patti
Dear GPO Patti,
Thanks so much for writing and you can bet there are a lot of other ladies in the same boat asking this exact question!
This seems to be a common complaint from many women who are in their 30’s. What I honestly don’t understand is why men choose to live with a woman if they are not interested in marriage knowing their partner wants that commitment. The two year mark of a relationship seems to be the deciding factor of whether a couple will be a writing those marriage vows or not. Being together for 4 years is a long time without much of a discussion about your future. Due to the fact that marriage had been talked about in the first year of your partnership, I can understand why you might now be a touch “pissed off.”
In answer to your question; personally, I do not believe in ultimatums at all. Why would anyone want to “pressure” their partner into making a decision like this? I have always said that if a couple wants and is meant to be together, there are no big questions. Things flow without a lot of drama and you are on the same page within your partnership expectations.
I would sit Andrew down one evening in the very near future and ask him directly if he is still interested in getting married. Don’t give him any pressure or attitude with your question, or with how he answers you. You will know by his response if there is any “real” interest on his part. If you are not happy with his answer at that time, start to make a plan with how you are going to proceed with your relationship. Knowing the truth will give you some clarity so that you can move on, or stay and be content with your common law arrangement. Not everyone has to get married but it seems important to you since you are writing to me about it.
Some men think that if they mention marriage once in a conversation, this will keep his lady happy for quite awhile. Sometimes they just need a gentle reminder as women seem to be more of the wedding advocate. In your case it may just be due to the fact that you haven’t brought up the question in 3 years and Andrew is happy with your partnership & already feels committed. The only way you will know where you truly stand, is by asking him how he feels and by you telling him what is important to you.
Please make sure it is well thought out before you make any major decisions, as it sounds like you have a wonderful & loving relationship with or without a marriage commitment!
Please let me know how things turn out for you. 🙂