Dear Sybersue; I Just Had a Baby & Feel Crappy About Myself

newborn-baby-crying-in-parents-bedroom

Dear Sybersue,

I found you through your YouTube channel & have been watching some of your videos. They have helped me a lot recently! I just had a baby I feel crappy about myself and my husband doesn’t seem to want to have sex with me as often. He says he is tired from working. He also has a temper and always mentions divorce in an argument when he’s mad. He has said many times that my feelings are an issue. This just adds more stress to what I already feel. How can I repair our marriage?  We do love each other & have good times together but things have really changed with that too lately.  He is also a big spender & wastes a lot of money. I am a stay at home mom with no income of my own.  I tell him I’m lonely and sad because he works a lot and we don’t spend as much time together anymore. The romance has slowed dramatically which is very hurtful as he used to be sweet and caring. How do we get past this stage of our lives & is there hope to rekindle our loving relationship?

Christine

Hi Christine,

I am so sorry you are dealing with this. I can relate to it very much and so can many other women out there. Having a baby is very stressful on a couple but even more difficult on the mother as she is the one dealing with body changes & new hormones. (Not to forget being sleep deprived and nursing a little baby constantly.) The fact that your husband isn’t as interested in sex is not helping and I am sure that plays on your self esteem even more. It is not unusual for some men to pull back sexually after watching their wife go through child birth but it usually subsides over a short time. I am not sure what you meant when your husband said your feelings are an issue? Are you talking about these problems all the time whenever you see him? It is difficult when you are home by yourself all day not talking to anyone & when he gets home you want to vent. Unfortunately this becomes a repetitive cycle pushing him even further away.

I do feel he is not being very supportive of you though, considering you just gave him a beautiful child. Did he not want to be a father or was it a surprise pregnancy? It sounds like he does not see his child very often with his work schedule which is not a good thing for your marriage. I think it is coming to the point where you both need counseling especially with the divorce threats. It almost sounds like you may both be dealing with some postpartum issues.

In the meantime the suggestions I would give you would be;

1) Get out of the house during the day and mingle with other people every chance you get.
2) Plan little outings a few times a week; join some mom’s groups so you can bring the baby.
3) Get a babysitter once a week and so something solely for YOU.
4) Do you go to a gym? If not this would be a good time to join one. I used to take my son to the daycare at the facility and have time for myself working out & relieving my stress. Looking & feeling good are a huge part of the battle after having a baby.

5) Do your hair, apply a little makeup and get out of your sweatpants when your husband comes home. Remind him why he was attracted to you in the 1st place.

6) Do not discuss all the things that are upsetting you every time he comes home from work. As hard as it is not to complain or tell him what is making you sad, he doesn’t want to hear it the minute he walks in the door. He needs some quiet time without added stress when he first gets home. Try to keep things to yourself for a few weeks & see if you notice any changes.

At the very least Christine, do things that make you happy. Don’t worry about him & his comments at the moment. Get yourself out of this slump but not relying on him to help you. Get outside & be active ~ that’s what I did! I got in good shape at the same time & found it to be amazing therapy as well. (Sweating releases harmful toxins.) Please let me know what transpires in the next little while OK? Thanks for writing ~ wishing you much happiness.

xo Sybersue

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