Dear Sybersue: I Was in a 7 Year Relationship & My Boyfriend Recently Left Me…

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Dear Sybersue: I was in a 7 year relationship & my boyfriend recently left me

I was in a 7 year relationship and my boyfriend recently left me…I’m in so much pain and it’s only been a month. It was such an abrupt breakup and it totally blindsided me! What can I do, I’m so stuck.  I tried dating already but most of the guys just want sex and I am avoiding that, but I still have needs. I feel so alone & I’m very disillusioned as to why end our relationship ended without so much as a discussion?

(Thanks for your video advice about breakups, it did help…)

DDee

Dear DDee,

Thanks for writing & I understand & feel your pain! 7 years is a long time invested in a relationship & not something anyone gets over in a few months; but you won’t be lonely for long if you dust yourself off, get outside & keep really busy.

Anything that reminds you of him you need to clear out of the house. Constant memories are what keep you pining for him. If he is on your Facebook, Instagram, Twitter or any other social media remove him. I can’t stress this enough! The less energy to give to thoughts about him, the sooner you will be on the road to mending your broken heart.

So many women think that if they still can see or hear what their EX is doing it makes them feel closer ~ Not! It just makes it more difficult watching them move on without you!

Dating right away is not the advice I would give as it usually just makes you miss your EX even more, especially if you are not really attracted to this new person. This can add more drama to your life which will delay you moving on at a faster pace.

The heart needs time to heal & not be shoved right back into an unpredictable setting that you’re not ready for. You are not strong enough to deal with this on an emotional level. It’s not fair on the person you date either as you are not really available at this time. Part of you is somewhere else down memory lane! (Usually after 6 months things will start to feel much better & the pain will lessen.)

Be active and get off your couch.  Joining something new will keep your mind occupied & each day will become less & less about your past relationship. The hardest part for you right now may be not knowing why your relationship ended & not having proper closure.

I am sure there were some “red flags” in the last year of your partnership but only you can answer that question honestly.

Many people are in denial that the signs are there because they bury them, hoping it isn’t really happening & their relationship isn’t in jeopardy. “Its just a phase that all couples go through!” This isn’t the case in most healthy partnerships because the couple communicates their concerns before it festers into a big problem.

They want to fix it, not ignore it.

I did a video: “Don’t be the Last to Know Your Relationship is in Trouble,” because so many men & women are not paying attention to their relationship and truly are the last ones to know there is a problem.

You didn’t say whether you have had contact with your EX boyfriend since the breakup, but it may be time to get a few answers to your questions in the next few months. We can all learn from past relationships even if it is hurtful in the beginning. It can help teach us things about our self or what to be aware of in another relationship.

Your friends could know something to help you move on but may be afraid to tell you for fear of hurting you further. I am not sure whether you lived with this man but 7 years is a long time to be committed to someone without cohabitating or tying the knot.  This is a big issue in many long term partnerships and a huge sign that a couple may not be there for the long haul in the years to come.

I hate the cliché “things happen for a reason” but often breakups indicate that you are not supposed to be with your EX & someone is guiding you to a better place.

In another few months you will have a clearer picture of why you and your EX are not together & it will get easier. I doubt he is sitting at home eating Haagen-Dazs ice cream & listening to sad love songs or watching romcoms.; maybe we could learn something from men on how to move on as quickly as they seem to do sometimes.

The biggest lesson here for all of us to remember is “A broken heart means you know how to love” which also means you are able to find it again because you know what it is.

Wishing you much happiness & wonderful new beginnings. This video below may help you clarify what may have transpired in the demise of your relationship or at least give you another perspective.

Sybersue ❤

Susan McCord @ The Dear Sybersue Talk Show

29 thoughts on “Dear Sybersue: I Was in a 7 Year Relationship & My Boyfriend Recently Left Me…

  1. Pingback: Infidelity: Water the Lawn at Your Own Home not Someone Else’s! – Dear Sybersue: Dating Relationship Blog & Talk Show

  2. Dear Sybersue.. thanks for your advice. I guess changing routine helps a lot. I’ll be taking time off to go for a short vacation too. Thank you. Your website really helps me a lot in going through this difficult time. At least I know I am not the only one experiencing the pain, fear and anxiety faced during the 7 year break up. Reading this website helps me cope with all these feelings.

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  3. Me and my bf is 28 this year. He broke up with me last month. We had been together for the past 7 years. Been to many places and countries together, every part of the corner always reminds me of him. Last week I had accidentally walked to one of our hangout place subconsciously and reminded of him. I broke down and called him, he didn’t pick up. All he said was “we already broke up” and he has no mood to talk to me. It was devastating for me. We had a future. Suddenly the future seems pitch dark. All the emotions that had been described in this website are what I am currently going through such as feeling lost and aimless, never able to love again are all my thoughts. I have relied and depend too much on him. Always believing that he will never leave me. But I was wrong. Now I can’t foresee what is my future. It seems scary and hopeless. The video really helps me a lot. Everytime I don’t wish to let go or keep pinning hopes that he will return, I will revisit this website again. I know I am stubborn and I also know that it takes time to heal. Being occupied doesn’t help much. Thanks for the video and website, I keep revisiting to remind myself to let go.

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    • I can hear the sadness in your words and I really feel for you. It does feel like a darkness for sure. I promise you it does get easier even though right now the rejection is so painful. I know it seems that your ex is being very mean by not responding to you but this is fairly common with men after a breakup. They don’t want to lead you on as they have already moved on emotionally. It is always much easier for the person who initiated the breakup. Your future isn’t hopeless, it is just beginning. Hang in there, you sound like an amazing woman! ❤

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      • Dear Sybersue, your words are comforting. Thank you, it helps a lot. Can I know how do you cope with the emptiness if we have been meeting so often almost everyday? No matter how busy I tried to be, a portion of my mind will still reminds me of him, of the streets that we walked together, holding hands, laughing so loudly, talking about our future. How do I cope with this? Please help me…

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      • The loneliness after a breakup can be very devastating because there is now a huge void in your daily life. The best thing you can do is remove yourself from anything that reminds you of him right now. Don’t go to the same places or areas and change up your routine. The less time spent thinking about him will slowly help you to move on. If you are on any of the same social media sites remove yourself or it will hurt you so much more to see what he is doing without you. Can you take a few days of vacation right now? This often helps people get over a breakup a little quicker as you are in a different environment where you don’t have any memories with him. 🙂

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      • Hi Anonymous. I just wanted to let you know that it’s all going to be okay. I messaged about a month ago, devastated by being ‘shumped’ (shock-dumped – yes you can nick my phrase!). But everything gets better and perhaps even better than before! The best advice I can give as someone fresh out of it is to do exactly what Sybersue says, get as much physical distance as possible, delete all social media (he will understand why) and throw away (or put into long term storage) pretty much everything that reminds you of him. Then, I would go on you tube and look at Brad Yates EFT videos and do the ones you like the sound of daily. This will cleanse you of the emotions in your body. Then I recommend getting the free meditation app called Insight Timer and getting into meditation, either guided or using their timer that allows you to pick the length of your meditation. It will help create calm, create space in your mind to process things properly and connect you with self-love which is what will get you through this, and ALL other life issues. There’s some really inspiring talks on there too. You’ve got this. You will be grand! xxx

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  4. Hi there, my partner of 7 years broke up with me completely out of the blue a month ago. I thought we were hugely in love, we were planning to buy a house and start a family next year (a thing he had always told me was his number one desire in life, to have a baby). He told me he wants to go travelling on his own, that he has lost his spontaneity, that he hates living in the big city we are living in and that he doesn’t know if he wants kids anymore. For me there were no red flags, he was sweet, kind and pure. He listened so well, did acts of kindness and support every day and I couldn’t asked for a nicer boyfriend. It’s so hard to know what to do differently next time because it felt like the perfect relationship (for me). Except that he had been feeling differently for three months before the break up and not communicated a jot to me. That’s obviously a big red flag but I think he just didn’t want to hurt me. It’s all very confusing. It’s been a month of NC now, apart for arranging for him to move out. I wonder if I have lost him forever. I suspect I have but I also fear he will come to his senses and want me back. It was such a loving relationship before he ended it. 😦

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    • Hi there, you didn’t say how old your boyfriend is but I am guessing he is fairly young due to the fact that you haven’t had kids or bought your home together after 7 years? Many young relationships change because one person becomes restless. (Especially when you have these big future plans ready to put in to place.) They feel like they haven’t experienced enough and start to feel trapped because they don’t have the freedom to do as they want without being selfish to their partner.

      There is always a chance that he may miss what you both had together but it sounds like he spent three months analyzing this before he made his decision to leave your relationship. It really sucks and hurts a lot right now. I have been there & understand how you feel.

      Take this time to try some new things & get out of the house as much as possible & keep busy. Be careful not to put your energy into waiting for him to come back; if the Universe has plans for you to be together it will happen. Take care of “you” right now. You didn’t do anything wrong, unfortunately it is all about timing. I am sorry you are hurting. 😦

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      • Thanks Sybersue! Yes he turns 30 next month and I think you are completely right. Really valuable words. I am doing so much more than I was when I was with him already – meeting new people, getting stuck into my hobbies and moving forwards. It just helps to hear that. It’s easy to place blame on oneself.

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    • My partner of 7 years left me too. He was the perfect guy for me too. We were so right for each other, so in sync for each other. We always have the same thinking without speaking out loud. There’s once we even had the same dream. Occasionally, we would wear couple tee without planning. We had a future, always planning on how we will discipline our kids, how many children we intending to have and the names of our future kids. Our flat will be ready for selection next month. He promised not to let go of this relationship. But one night, he told me he no longer see a future between us anymore. He move on fast, leaving me hurt. I was stubborn, keep pinning hopes that he will be back. But when I went to his social media and check, he had deleted our past. I was so wrong. He decided to let me go saying he felt hurt all these years. I had prioritized him on everything but he said I choose not to socialize. He ended our relationship saying its hard to continue, our characteristics do not match.. after 7 long years!!!

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  5. Thank you for the reply 🙂
    Also, today is my Birthday, turning 25, a very tough day for me to pass. I am happy but I am feeling empty. I have my family and friends making my birthday happy and memorable, they are trying their level best to get me out of the pit and enjoy my birthday.
    I woke up in the morning with tears in my eyes, longing for him, hoping he would at least contact me any way to wish me birthday – but he hasn’t.
    Every year, he used to make this day so much special, doing all the things in a grand way, making me feel most special woman! I miss all those things he used to do, I miss being with him, his love and all the care in the world.. But then I think that when the actual trying times came, he left without a word.. It stings so much, still I am trying to promise my younger self (childhood) that I will try and be happy today, for me and my family who’s standing by me in these trying times.

    Thank you for the much needed help 🙂

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  6. Also, I miss being this happy vibrant girl. when i was with him, I felt like the happiest girl in the world , no one could bring me down. I felt strong confident and beautiful . I was so innocent and naive, now i feel dead.
    Frankly speaking, I don’t really see a worthy future for me, my self-esteem has spiraled down.. I’m so sorry for venting here, I really am. I could have given up my entire self for him, if only he could see.
    I feel I am nothing without him, that I would never be able to find or get the kind of greater love like him from anyone else ever.. He was the perfect one for me, we fitted each other so well.

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    • You are not defined by the person you love. You are always worthy & have so much to offer. It has only been two months and it is so much harder when it your first love. That is all you know and can’t see straight right now. He blindsided you which is not giving you any closure which is why you feel so defeated.

      The fact that he hid you from his parents for 7 years was a huge indicator that they would never approve of you two as a couple. Why is that as you are both Indian? When a relationship is “meant to be” you shout it out to the world; there are no big secrets. I know you think he was perfect for you but he lied to his parents for all these years probably knowing what the end result would consist of.

      I am sure his parents are threatening him with something and that is why there is no contact from him. You need to talk to a therapist to help you through the next few months as I don’t like to hear you say you are nothing without him. A broken heart makes every woman feel so alone in the initial stages of a breakup but as a little more time goes by you start to understand that there are greater things in store for your future. You should never have to hide your love from anyone. Wishing you only great things in 2017. hugs xo ❤

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  7. Hello there 🙂 I am in the same boat, my boyfriend of 7 years left me, when we were on the verge of getting married. It all began when we told at our homes, his parents did not like an Independent person that I was, they asked me to leave my job and do no work, sit at home and have fun with their son. They are super rich, which makes things much more complicated, he inherited a lot of wealth and is in family business, is the only son.
    Suddenly after 3 days, his father called up mine and said they are not going ahead with the marriage and to never contact them. Believe me, I was extremely heartbroken, I was ready to leave my identity for him. He never tried to contact me, his friends forced him to speak with me, where he said he was “Immature” these 7 yrs, now he is a practical man and cannot go against his parents.
    This would have been the time of our engagement had everything gone right.. He replied to my many mails after 1 month saying “Decision is final and it’s not possible, understand asap and move on.”
    I fail to believe how a man who loved me beyond limits, who promised me togetherness forever changed like this, did not even tell me a final goodbye or take care or anything.. It rips me apart even to think a life without him..
    I don’t know what to do, life seems meaningless really..

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    • Hi Niki…I am so sorry you are hurting and how this all transpired so suddenly! It sounds like his parents have complete control over him and if you had married your finance’ it would have been like that forever. Why were they OK with you being with him for 7 years; did they not think that you two would end up engaged?? It sounds like they might have disowned him if he had gone against their wishes and he was pulled to their financial power and family obligations. I am sure they gave him one big ultimatum and he weakened to accept it.

      I know 7 years is a long investment in a relationship but the positive thing is you had a great love for all that time. You know what love is and you can have it again. You wouldn’t have been happy in that marriage and it would have stripped you from being your authentic self. It will take time to get past the sadness and the “why’s” but you will find happiness again. Don’t let this family steal your power or self esteem because they are the ones who need to grow up, not you! You are destined for a greater love and much better future. ❤

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      • Dear Sybersue,
        Thanks for the motivating words, means a lot.. 🙂

        Yes I am trying to move ahead, but the love for him is dragging me further down.
        And no, his parents did not know about us all these 7 years, he kept on telling me that we’ll tell them when we’re ready to marry as they are conservative. [We both belong to India.]
        This rips me off thinking that he was a different person altogether these 7 years, loved me to the moon and back, cared for me like I am his everything. And when his parents came in picture, I am shocked to believe how he suddenly changed into someone i fail to recognize. It’s been 2 months now, he has closed all contacts with me, he doesn’t want to do anything with me anymore.
        The only question I keep asking myself is that – How can someone who would love you so much just abandon you suddenly and never care to look back or even try to know if you are even fine.. I am not able to relate the person he was for 7 years and the person he suddenly became.

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  8. My boyfriend of 7 years broke up with me and I too was shocked. He said maybe time apart will help get he spark back. But that he doesn’t know how much time but sounded open to trying again in the future And he has no timeframe. We share a pet together who lives with him. This is hard because he’s been in my life for 7 years. My stuff (for sleepovers) is still at his house. He hasn’t deleted me from FB or anything. I’m confused and I want to try again. I’ve been so depressed and went from 128 lbs. to 115 lbs. in 3 weeks. I don’t know what to do. G

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    • Hi there 🙂 It sounds like you didn’t live together during those 7 years as you only had sleepovers? If this is the case why does he think time or space will change things? He has already had a lot of that within your relationship, because he wasn’t totally committed. If he was he would have made things more permanent a long time ago.

      I know that isn’t what you want to hear but I really think it is time for you to think about your happiness & future without him. Putting you on hold and giving you just a little hope that you could get back together is wrong. He should know after 7 years whether you are the one. You need to show him your strength and self worth and that you will not be on the sidelines waiting on his time frame. You have invested a lot of time already.

      I am so sorry you are hurting but please don’t wait for another few years while he decides what HE wants. He could be sugar coating the whole thing just to keep you from being upset so he doesn’t look like a bad ass EX. You deserve so much more than being put on hold. ❤

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  9. Hello, im going throu the same situation. After seven years i could see that my partner and i were just not 100%. He wasnt there all the time. I made the decicion to just end it cold, and sure enough just after one month i heard he was back with an ex that he dated 7 years before and now he has contacted me to tell me i am his heart and that he is still in love with me but he feels he has to move on with this girl and move far away. He’s been texting saying he wishes it was me who he was leaving with. I feel really bad. I realize what he is doing is wrong, not only for his new partner but to me also. We have been throu so much and i dont want to ask him to stay and not leave either. How can we both make things easier. I also have an 18 year old whom he looked out for like his own. They will keep in contact, which makes it more difficult.

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  10. hi DDee
    i m in d same situation …..me nd my boyfriend have been in a seven year long relationship ,,nd we broke up 5 months back ….i understand how hard it is to move on ,, my situation is really kilin me i m so lonely ….nd i totally agree with susan’s advice ,,,,things will start getting better with time , i m experiencing d same ,,,just be strong ! veryyyyyyyy Strong !!! dont yet start datin ny other guy yet … give time to urself for being ready for next relationship …..
    take care

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  11. what??? after 7 years? but you didn’t think to married? You didn’t lose no one, he determined that you are to boring for him and he found something new! I am sorry for you but wake up and find someone who will appreciate you and love you as you deserve it! if not, it will be the same lost time!

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  12. One of the biggest obstacles to losing something or someone is not the losing of them but the losing of something you lost long before then. You can love deeply, and experiencing the pain of loss is a pain undefined. The thoughts about it will keep you from what really needs to transpire which is the love of self. You see when we place someone responsible for our happiness, for our day to day existence we lose touch with something that keeps us from ourselves. You can do something that will change what is inside of you. You can give yourself the love that you were always were destined to experience. The love of yourself. When you find this inside you, it is the starting point to give you what you always searched for inside. You never could find this in a relationship cause it is absent from you inside yourself.

    You are looking for the place of connection yet it keeps eluding you cause you have to embrace yourself first. This connection can’t be replaced. Not by another, not by some object, only you can give this what is most important to your purpose in being. You give up trying to tell yourself you aren’t worthy, you give up trying to find answers outside yourself. You find that place inside you that always needed you to hear yourself in the first place.

    The place of true love, the place of true wealth inside of love. The love of yourself. When you embrace this you will emit the energy of love that is supposed to be in you in the first place. You will then venture into the places of answers rather than questions.

    You will see things as they are and see the love placed deeply within them. To include the place of pain that you never could share with another. It sounds like a cliche or it sounds repetitive yet; If at this point someone would ask you what is love to you? How would you answer it? How can you remove this place of pain if you can’t answer this question and point to the inside of you.

    If you answer this stating anything outside of you. It was not love as fully as it should have been. Don’t you want to experience that love instead? Isn’t that what love should be to you? I am sorry for the long response but I wanted to read this over again to embrace the pain that is felt from loss.

    Yet it felt as though to have an answer to something that ended with no warning was missing something key here. This key is inside you! I would want to tell her one thing. You are love, you are beautiful, you are beyond this form and many other forms of emotion that doesn’t require someone outside you to complete you. Find this to find the answers and the place of love you deserve. It is there waiting for you! Truly it is! It can happen in a moment of choice. It will also be then that you can move on, not to a future but to the present moment you embrace what love is inside you!

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