Dear Sybersue: I was in a 7 year relationship & my boyfriend recently left me
I was in a 7 year relationship and my boyfriend recently left me…I’m in so much pain and it’s only been a month. It was such an abrupt breakup and it totally blindsided me! What can I do, I’m so stuck. I tried dating already but most of the guys just want sex and I am avoiding that, but I still have needs. I feel so alone & I’m very disillusioned as to why end our relationship ended without so much as a discussion?
(Thanks for your video advice about breakups, it did help…)
Thanks for writing & I understand & feel your pain! 7 years is a long time invested in a relationship & not something anyone gets over in a few months; but you won’t be lonely for long if you dust yourself off, get outside & keep really busy.
Anything that reminds you of him you need to clear out of the house. Constant memories are what keep you pining for him. If he is on your Facebook, Instagram, Twitter or any other social media remove him. I can’t stress this enough! The less energy to give to thoughts about him, the sooner you will be on the road to mending your broken heart.
So many women think that if they still can see or hear what their EX is doing it makes them feel closer ~ Not! It just makes it more difficult watching them move on without you!
Dating right away is not the advice I would give as it usually just makes you miss your EX even more, especially if you are not really attracted to this new person. This can add more drama to your life which will delay you moving on at a faster pace.
The heart needs time to heal & not be shoved right back into an unpredictable setting that you’re not ready for. You are not strong enough to deal with this on an emotional level. It’s not fair on the person you date either as you are not really available at this time. Part of you is somewhere else down memory lane! (Usually after 6 months things will start to feel much better & the pain will lessen.)
Be active and get off your couch. Joining something new will keep your mind occupied & each day will become less & less about your past relationship. The hardest part for you right now may be not knowing why your relationship ended & not having proper closure.
I am sure there were some “red flags” in the last year of your partnership but only you can answer that question honestly.
Many people are in denial that the signs are there because they bury them, hoping it isn’t really happening & their relationship isn’t in jeopardy. “Its just a phase that all couples go through!” This isn’t the case in most healthy partnerships because the couple communicates their concerns before it festers into a big problem.
They want to fix it, not ignore it.
I did a video: “Don’t be the Last to Know Your Relationship is in Trouble,” because so many men & women are not paying attention to their relationship and truly are the last ones to know there is a problem.
You didn’t say whether you have had contact with your EX boyfriend since the breakup, but it may be time to get a few answers to your questions in the next few months. We can all learn from past relationships even if it is hurtful in the beginning. It can help teach us things about our self or what to be aware of in another relationship.
Your friends could know something to help you move on but may be afraid to tell you for fear of hurting you further. I am not sure whether you lived with this man but 7 years is a long time to be committed to someone without cohabitating or tying the knot. This is a big issue in many long term partnerships and a huge sign that a couple may not be there for the long haul in the years to come.
I hate the cliché “things happen for a reason” but often breakups indicate that you are not supposed to be with your EX & someone is guiding you to a better place.
In another few months you will have a clearer picture of why you and your EX are not together & it will get easier. I doubt he is sitting at home eating Haagen-Dazs ice cream & listening to sad love songs or watching romcoms.; maybe we could learn something from men on how to move on as quickly as they seem to do sometimes.
The biggest lesson here for all of us to remember is “A broken heart means you know how to love” which also means you are able to find it again because you know what it is.
Wishing you much happiness & wonderful new beginnings. This video below may help you clarify what may have transpired in the demise of your relationship or at least give you another perspective.
Susan McCord @ The Dear Sybersue Talk Show